Struggling. Growing. Loving.

Magaling magaling. Nabuksan ko ulit ang blog kong ito. Since 2010! Haha! Sa susunod na ang mga kwento at releases of budget, este of energy and words pala. Wala talaga akong balak i-post. Na-excite lang ako mag-post dahil… alam ko na ulit ang password ng blog account ko!!! (weird lang?) Hahaha!

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I’ve known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But is this all we’d ever be?
I’ve loved you ever since
You are a friend of mine
But babe, is this all we ever could be?

You tell me things I’ve never known
I’ve shown you love you’ve never shown
But then again, when you cry
I’m always at your side
You tell me ’bout the love you’ve had
I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you’ll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again I’m glad

I’ve known you all my life
You are a friend of mine
I know this is how it’s gonna be
I’ve loved you then and I love you still
You’re a friend of mine
Now, I know friends are all we ever could be

You tell me things I’ve never known
I’ve shown you love you’ve never shown
But then again, when you cry
I’m always at your side
You tell me ’bout the love you’ve had
And I listen very eagerly
But deep inside you’ll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad

But then again
Then again
Then again I’m glad

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. .

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure;
You really are strong, you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn
With every painful experience you learn.

-Veronica Shoftsall

Should know how to let go of intelligent but self-absorbed, irresponsible and irrational leaders. Remembers Maxwell mobile quote: here’s how I handle issues to keep them from becoming stressful: Family problems = communication, unconditional love, time together; Limited Options = creative thinking, advice from others, tenacity; Staff Productivity Problems = immediate confrontation w/ the person & addressing the issue, and; Staff Leaders with bad attitude = removal. – Kung naka-online lang ako ngayon sa facebook, eto ilalagay ko sa status ko. Buti na lang hindi ako online. Dahil pag nagkataon, issue ito at baka may kumastigo pa sa update ko.

Ok naman na sana eh. The structure, the staffing, the division of labor, delineation of political tasks, targets, objectives, thrusts and the basic infra needs. Pero bakit wala pa din professionalism, efficiency, effectivity at gaan ng trabaho? Before, when I was a new member who was so passionate  of organizing my locale, I thought personal problems (family, financial, academics, wants for social mobility, etc.) were the only matters that would hinder my selfless, dignified and worthy political track. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. Kolektiba pa rin pala ang magpa-pasya. When I say collective, it is not the team that I am pertaining to, it is the shared values and dreams that drive the team to work hard and joyful. Kung walang ganun, kahit gaano pa kaganda ang plano at set-up, walang mangyayari, mabigat pa din ang mga bagay-bagay. And when I say mabigat, it doesn’t literally mean difficult works to do. Mabigat means works that are so burdening and miserable. If there’s a will there’s a way. If there is a collective will, there is a better way.

Yung mga bagay, madaling sabihin. Pero kapag iaaktwal mo na, mahirap na. Nakakalimutan ang frame, nalulunod ng problema at emosyon. Inisip ko nga, mas ok bang maging manhid? Para kahit ano pang problema o sakit ng ulo ang makaharap mo sa iyong paglalakbay, hindi ka maaapektuhan, on-track ka pa din sa mga bagay na kailangan at dapat maabot at maaccomplish. Pero kung magiging manhid ka naman, paano mo malalaman na hindi na pala mabuti ang nangyayari, na hindi na pala maganda ang nilalakbay? Baka magulat ka na lang, mag-isa ka na lang palang naglalakbay. Hindi naman sapat ang utak, mata at tainga sa pagtupad ng pangarap, importante din ang pakiramdam. Mahalaga ang puso.

If we are to be political, we need to be socialist. If we are to be socialist, we need to be political. In every decision that we have to make, we have to assure that that decision is both political and socialist. Angst doesn’t help. But anger sometimes helps. But only needed anger would help. Katulad ng galit sa mga mapang-abusong gawain ng burgesya, ng mapang-aping sistema, ng kalagayang nagma-mangmang sa masa. The anger, anchored with politics and ideology, should be translated into a will that would carry us to transform this bloody hell society into a world that is just and humane, into a world where at the center is a socialist heart.

Hindi ito ang dapat na isinusulat ko. Deadline ko ng isang position statement ng aking organisasyon tungkol sa kakatapos lang na SONA ng presidente. Pero nauwi ako sa pagsusulat ng papel na ito dahil sa galit, sama ng loob at kalungkutan. (And now I am explaining.) Kaysa mang-away ako ng kung sinuman o kaya ay imukmok ko ang problema, mas minabuti ko na lang magsulat na  baka pwedeng magpalaya sa akin mula sa kasalukuyang nararamdaman. Mas produktibo ang araw kung tayo ay malaya. Katulad ng lipunan. Mas produktibo ang bayan para sa lahat kung ang mamamayan ay malaya, kung ang masa ay masaya at malaya.

At ngayon, gagawin ko na ang task kong papel. Medyo ok na ako.###

30 July 2010

This is an attempt to write my first ever blog entry. I love reading other people’s blogs, especially comrades’ blogs. I’ve always thought of creating my own blog site to which I would manage to sustain and would bring up political issues, patch up personal concerns and hash off messy thoughts. I tried making one using wordpress. Kaso tatlong buwan na ang nakakalipas ay wala pa din itong kalaman-laman. Meetings, seminars, area works and facebooking really hindered. At sa mga pagkakataong wala naman akong appointment o kailangang gawin, mas ninanais kong matulog o kaya ay mag-kape at magmuni-muni o kaya ay uminom. No really ample time to dedicate for writing and posting.

May isa akong kasama na na-engganyo kong mag-blogging na din. Ayun, naunahan nya pa ako. Minsan talaga, hindi lang oras o pagkakaton and kailangan natin to pursue our will, kailangan din ng disiplina at motibasyon.

I remember, since highshool pala ako ay nagbablog na ko, powered by friendster. Braveheart pa nga ata yung pangalan ng site kong iyon. Inspired by Mel Gibson’s movie with his charm when he was shouting “freedom!!!!!!!!!”. Ginawa ko ata yung open diary ko. Kaso mula ng naging aktibo ako sa kilusan, nawalan na din talaga ako ng panahong magsulat di katulad ng dati. Noong high school kasi ako ay nahilig ang aming batch sa pagsusulat ng kung anu-ano, lalo na nung 3rd year high school. We learned the beauty and benefits of writing. Aside sa pagiging bahagi ng aming school publication at pagsali-sali sa mga press conferences mula elementary hanggang high school, (district level, division, regional at national), ay na-inspire kami ng mga lathala ni Lualhati Bautista, Ninotchka Rosca, Genoveva-Edrosa Matute, Amado Guerero at Leon Guerero. (Joke lang yung Leon Guerero.) At meron pa pala, si Roberto Bob Ong! (Yeah!) Ito ay ang mga panahong naniniwala pa akong semi-feudal semi-colonial ang Pilipinas, tanging ang ND lamang ang left sa Philippine political spectrum at basehan ang kawalan ng Pilipinas ng industriya ng pako kaya ang dominanteng moda ng produksyon ay hindi kapitalismo. Hahahaha! I can’t imagine myself now uttering same words just like before way back my high school days.

Madami na ring nagbago. Buti na lang, ang oryentasyon ko lang ang nagbago, hindi ang pagnanasa sa kalayaan at katarungang panlipunan. In spite of all the haggard and pressures in life, I can still say – buti na lang. Yah! Because I am thankful for being like this, for having this kind of life, for learning that world of struggle is a world of significance and value. I am always thankful to the movement that always inspires me to go on and to live with all the things that have worth. Words like freedom and social justice sometimes come too boring especially if you’ve been always hearing and uttering such. But hey! These words are really good if you would really be able to imagine its actualization, sabayan mo pa ng inom ng mainit, masarap at maaromang kape. Plus maganang kwentuhan sa mga kasama. Masarap mabuhay. Masarap makibaka.

For me, the hardest thing in writing is to know the frame and beat the right flow. Just like this post. Walang frame, ang labo ng flow. But I guess I’ve plunged enough words from my whirling thoughts now for this first ever entry. Iniisip ko kasi, siguro basta kapag inumpisahan ko, magtutuloy-tuloy na lang ito. Kaya pinilit kong gawin ito kahit wala pa talaga akong maisip na topic.

For now, ito lang muna. Will be back soon.

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